Geek Assimilation
by JenJadeEyes
Summary: Geekward Shuffle Entry. Co-written by MistyFate. Edward has lived a lonely life, until he attends college. Once there, he meets Jasper Whitlock, who forever challenges his thinking and alters the direction of his life.


**The First Taste**

Give me a first taste  
Let it begin  
Heaven cannot wait forever  
Darling just start the chase  
I'll let you in  
But you must make the endeavor

* * *

Edward was buzzing.

He had always heard rumors about what happened at conventions, but he never knew what to believe. The things he'd experienced today had thrown him for a loop. He'd seen three rare comics in the dealer's room that he'd trade his entire Star Wars figurine collection to own, more women dressed as scantily-clad anime characters than he could even count, a huge ballroom full of gamers playing everything from "D&D" to "Munchkins," and this was just the first day! His pulse was racing and his brain was on overload.

One thing was sure in Edward's mind; this was all Jasper's fault.

* * *

Sitting alone at the formica table, Edward pushed his glasses further up his nose so he could view the words in his book clearly. He scanned across the pages of The Wheel of Time and lost track of the world. The bell signaling the end of the period startled him out of his zen-like trance - it felt like he'd been reading for five minutes, not forty-five. As he gathered his belongings, he grabbed the grease-stained, red-and-white checkered container of half-eaten chicken fingers to throw in the trash.

Off to study hall.

Walking the halls, it was as if Edward were invisible: jocks would bump into him and not even notice, girls would walk right by and not even look his way. It wasn't because he had a small build, or because they didn't see him; it was because he was insignificant. Forks High School wasn't a haven for guys like him - guys who'd rather rebuild their computer and read Popular Science or Lord of the Rings instead of head down to First Beach and try to surf on the so-called waves.

This was an average day for Edward Cullen. He wasn't a recluse, but he was close to it. In the whole town of Forks, he had one friend - Eric - and even he didn't hang out with Edward outside of school. The only meaningful relationships he experienced were with his parents, as he had no siblings or cousins his age.

It was hard for Edward to connect with the people around him. Sure, he had acquaintances and spoke to lots of people, but he was unable to form a deep bond with any of them. At first he had no clue why this didn't happen, but eventually he came to the conclusion that he was the problem. He never seemed to be able to hold anyone's interest.

So when graduation rolled around, Edward didn't feel nostalgic or sad; he was thrilled high school was over! He eagerly threw his high school things - including his less-than-sincere valedictorian speech - into a box, slammed the lid on it, and shoved it into the back of his closet. Then he pulled out the suitcases that would help him move on to a new adventure: college.

Edward's parents told him that in college, he would meet people who would become his friends for life. He was a little nervous about meeting his new roommate, Jasper Whitlock, because he'd spent enough time as the brunt of others' jokes. He was hoping for someone he could relate to - a real friend.

As he entered his dorm for the first time, Edward noticed the concrete walls of the hallways were painted a canary yellow, the cheap florescent lights flickered and hummed, a disinfectant smell floated through the air, and the industrial grade carpet ran from it's original chocolate brown at the edges to a mottled gray in the middle of the hallway. Shaking his head in disgust, Edward wondered if this was really supposed to be his home.

He'd opened his assigned dorm room door and saw a tall blond guy trying to re-wire the entire space into a gamers' paradise. He took in the massive amount of cables, hardware, and gaming accessories and realized that college would not be anything like high school had been. A smile spread across his face as he placed his bags down on the floor. Pushing his glasses back up so he could see properly, he asked, "You need a hand?"

The young man whirled in place, sizing Edward up with a practiced eye. "How are you at firewalls? My intrusion detection system is showing massive hits."

"Network or host-based?"

"Please, God, tell me you're Edward."

"I'm Edward," he grinned, holding out his hand.

Completing the handshake, the young man replied, "Jasper. I think we're going to get along just fine."

They quickly developed a friendship based firmly upon their common ground, and, over the next few weeks, Jasper and Edward began to embody the phrase "thick as thieves."

The first topic they discussed in depth was video games. They would argue over the benefits of video game consoles - Xbox 360 vs. Playstation 3 vs. Wii. They unanimously decided that the Wii has the worst graphics, but was the most "old school" fun. However, they bickered about the Xbox and the Playstation systems: Playstation has a Blu-ray disc player, Xbox has streaming video for Netflix; Playstation has awesome graphics and games, Xbox has very similar graphics and games. What it all boiled down to was online gaming and gamer points. Edward knew Xbox had the advantage, no matter what Jasper claimed! The easy way in which they exchanged ideas was a first taste of deep friendship for Edward, and forever cemented their bond in his mind.

As their relationship grew, Jasper and Edward spent a lot of time together playing MMORPGs, debating the finer points of their favorite sci-fi books and shows, and "scoping out the beauties at the rec center," as Jasper called it. After Jasper's initial reconnaissance, they had convened at the free weights in order to see the best "scenery" - the rows and rows of treadmills.

Jasper attached his eyes to the backsides of a couple of women running in the row closest to them. "There are some righteous honeys here today, Edward, my man."

Moving from the weight bench so that Jasper could complete his reps, Edward saw the co-eds who had captured Jasper's attention this time. While he appreciated the view, Edward assumed that the girls had accidentally shrunk their too-tight T-shirts in the laundry. He knew the perils of the dreaded machines in the dorm basement - they'd turned some of his socks a disgusting purple color.

"Why the outdated reference? Did you find a universal cosmological constant in the Godel Metric allowing you to create a closed timelike curve?"

"Edward - my man," Jasper huffed while lifting, "you know - I believe in a - many-worlds - interpretation - of quantum mechanics - none of that - Einstein - special relativity - time travel - gobbledygook - for me." Placing the weight bar back in the holder, he continued, "Are you positive the reference is outdated?"

"I'm pretty sure."

Jasper sat up and frowned. "Are you sure it's not even retro-cool?"

"Almost positive."

"Damn. Never trust the internet, E-dawg. Unless it's Wikipedia - that shit is golden!"

Edward snorted and shook his head. "You're an idiot."

"I'm a geek. There's a difference." Jasper stood and moved over to a leg press. "You know, it's kinda nice having someone that speaks geek to work out with. Last week I had to ask this total meathead to spot me and -"

"Are you going to talk, or are you going to work out and ogle the women?"

"It's not like they're mutually exclusive activities," Jasper huffed, then he smiled. "Wanna see if we can get their phone numbers?"

"You truly are an idiot." Edward looked up toward the treadmills and at the running women. He was just starting to feel comfortable having a friend in Jasper. The thought of getting a woman's number terrified him.

"No, Edward my friend, I'm an evolving geek. And so are you."

Edward moved his hand to push the brim of his sweat-slicked glasses up his nose as he contemplated Jasper's statement.

"See?" Jasper pointed to Edward's frames. "That right there - pure geekitude. We need to get rid of those nerd-tastic glasses. In fact, that's Step One in the 'Geek Assimilation Program.'"

"There's a program?"

"There is now - it's an official twelve-stepper, my friend, and we're doing Step Two right now - body modification - being less of a stick and more of a man. You can't live your whole life looking like Skeletor." While slowly shaking his head, Jasper pursed his lips and appraised Edward's less-than-muscular frame.

"Will you stop looking at me like that! I'm entirely aware of my physical deficiencies," Edward said with laugh. "You're making this up as you go, aren't you?"

Ignoring the comment, Jasper continued, "Attaining contact info would be an ambitious goal according to the program, maybe Step Seven or Eight, but you gotta reach for the brass ring, right? Cover me, I'm going in."

"May the Gods be with you, my friend."

* * *

Several months later, when Jasper heard an ad for the local sci-fi convention, he'd insisted that they go. Edward wasn't sure if he wanted to be that open about being a sci-fi fan - after all, he argued to Jasper, at home, that put you on the top of the "to be bullied" list. Jasper replied, "Dude, my name is Jasper. I know all about the damned list! And you're going!"

That was how he found himself in geek heaven, and Edward was... overwhelmed. That was the word. The first day's events were winding down all around him, and Edward called Jasper to see if he was ready to go back to the hotel room and rest up for the next day.

"Are you kidding? We have to get in line for Whedon!"

Edward paused. "I thought that was tomorrow?"

"It's at noon tomorrow - that's why we have to get in line tonight!"

So that was how Edward found himself sitting in an honest-to-God line in a hotel hallway packed with sci-fi fans of all kinds, waiting to see Jasper's hero, Joss Whedon.

"Can you smell that?" Jasper asked him, sniffing the air, "it's _eau de fanboy_: anticipation, adrenaline, excitement..."

"Wow, that's amazing." Edward sniffed the air. "It smells just like sweaty socks."

Jasper glared at him. "Just for that, you have to take first watch. I'm going up to the room for a two-hour nap. Then it'll be your turn. You want me to bring you anything before I go?"

"God, yes. A life, please."

"I don't think they sell that in the dealer's room," Jasper smiled. "Anything else?"

"A Mountain Dew?"

"Breakfast of Champions? Done. Be right back."

Edward decided that if he was going to be here a while, he was going to make himself more comfortable. He leaned his head back against the wall, closed his eyes, and willed his body to relax. His mind was still charged, however, and snippets of surrounding conversations flowed into his brain.

A high, feminine voice floated to the top of his consciousness. "I always feel so sleazy coming out of a comic book store. They put your stuff in a paper or black plastic bag. It's like, what the hell? I didn't buy a bottle of whiskey, and I certainly didn't buy porn! What's wrong with Marvel's Ironman that it needs to be given paper or black plastic bag status?"

A deeper, richer female voice - Girl 2.0 - joined in from right next to him. "That's why we're here, Alice. No paper bags here - just Mylar for miles and miles!"

Edward grinned as he heard the women sit down next to him. After they were settled, Girl 2.0 continued her questioning of Alice.

"Tell me again why we're lining up at midnight for a noon presentation?"

"Because if we don't line up now, we won't get good seats, and I won't be able to see!"

Content to continue eavesdropping on the women, Edward kept his eyes closed. He tried to put together an image of Girl 2.0 from just her voice. It sounded too weighty for a River Tam, too soft for a Trinity or Ripley. He was thinking Dr. Temperance Brennan.

"You could perch on a seat, R2. Just who are we seeing, anyway?"

"_Just_ the Genius of Sci-Fi, Joss Whedon!"

"Really? Joss Whedon is a genius of sci-fi? You've got to be kidding me. Just how do you figure that one?" Girl 2.0's disbelief warmed Edward's heart. He wasn't the only one who thought this guy was overrated, then.

"Okay, take Firefly. Who else could give sci-fi a twist like that? I've never seen anything like it - it is beyond original! No aliens, no robots..."

"A Western in space? That's original?" _Dr. Brennan_, Edward thought. _Definitely Dr. Brennan_.

"Can you name another one?" _If she can't, I can, _Edward smirked.

"It's the same concept Gene Roddenberry used to sell Star Trek in the 60's. I believe the exact phrase he used was "Wagon Train" - a Western, by the way – to the stars! So, yeah, a 'Western in space' is not the MOST original idea. And what did Whedon actually come up with? A flying ship? It's been done. An Alliance that his protagonist didn't want to be a part of? It's been done. Technology as a form of social stratification? It's - "

"I get it, I get it. It's _been done_." Alice huffed at Girl 2.0. "I'm not saying that he created science fiction. I'm just saying he really helped bring it into the mainstream. I mean, look at how dedicated his fans are! They put together a write-in campaign and got a movie made years after the show had been cancelled!"

Edward mentally came up with a counter-argument. _Trek was the first write-in campaign - and is not exactly an un-dedicated fan base._

"Oh my God, are you kidding me, Alice? Trek was the first show that had a write-in campaign to keep it on the air!" Edward fell a little bit in love with Girl 2.0 at that moment - he felt as if she could read his mind. He had to know her name - why wouldn't Alice say it?

"He is all over the fantasy/sci-fi circuit, and he keeps producing sci-fi when no-one else does."

"So he's a media whore, and that's why he's the genius of sci-fi? Sounds like he's more of a genius of advertising." Girl 2.0 knew her stuff, and her disgust was plain.

"He's not a media whore, and from everything I've read, he's a really stand up guy. He wants to quit the TV thing, and start working on internet projects that will make him LESS cash."

"Well, sweetie, he can't keep a sci-fi show on the air for more than two seasons. Maybe THAT's why he's going to the internet - it doesn't have RATINGS."

"That's Fox's fault for putting him on during the Friday night slot. What kind of loser watches TV on a Friday night?" Alice scoffed.

"Obviously, YOU'RE the kind of loser who watches TV on a Friday night!"

At that comment, Edward snapped his head forward and his eyes open to see Jasper holding a Dew in his direction and staring at the two women he'd been eavesdropping on. Edward noticed the excitement and interest in Jasper's eyes and began pleading internally with the Gods of Geekdom, _oh no, no no, please no..._

Looking toward the now silent women, Edward recognized Alice's voice as she hissed, "That was uncalled for." It was obvious to him which girl was Alice. Small, with black, spiky, flippy hair, her eyes shot furious indignation at the girl next to her. He took a deep breath and turned to look at his ideological compatriot, Girl 2.0.

The first thing Edward noticed was her beautiful long brown hair. The second was that she was blushing heavily, embarrassed by her attack on her friend. The third thing that he noticed was that she was easily the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in real life. _Man, that should have been higher on the list, _Edward thought to himself. _Her name, her name, he needed to know her name..._

"I'm so sorry, Alice, you know I didn't mean -" Girl 2.0 began to apologize.

"If you haven't already covered this point in your discussion, Whedon is well-respected for writing strong female leads." Alice turned her eyes from Girl 2.0 to Jasper at his comment. "I'm Jasper, by the way, and Sleeping Beauty here is my buddy Edward."

Alice's eyes softened slightly and she grabbed for the obvious subject change. "Please don't get her re-started. I'm Alice, and Queen Foot-In-Her-Mouth is my former and future friend, Bella."

Edward owed Jasper for finding out the name of the angel seated next to him. Maybe he could pick him up a case of energy drinks?

Jasper sat down facing Edward, and not too far from Alice. "So, you'll forgive her then?"

"Yeah. We've been friends forever. It's part of the deal. But for the moment, I'm completely pissed." Alice stood and announced, "I'm going for a walk."

Jasper stood faster than Edward had ever witnessed and went straight for the kill. "Would you like some company?"

"Any fan of Whedon is a friend of mine." She smiled.

Edward sat, stunned, as Jasper threw the long-forgotten Mountain Dew at him and escorted Alice away from the line.

He fidgeted, wondering what to do to draw the attention of the goddess next to him. _These are Steps Five and Six in Jasper's damn "Geek Assimilation" crap! You have to do it._ _Say something to her, idiot. You have so many things that you could talk to her about. You're a smart guy; you heard their conversation, so think of something!_

"I really liked your arguments," he said as he shifted his body so that he'd face Bella.

Edward's mind turned on him._ Oh, God. He's been struck stupid._

"Yeah, I'm just FULL of good ideas." She continued to stare at the carpet while her fingers fidgeted with her shoelaces.

Edward tapped the top of the soda can while deciding what to say. "No, I mean it. I think Whedon is completely overrated, but Jasper freaks whenever I criticize him." _Brilliant, Edward, next tell her about the dental headgear that you wore at night for years._

"Yeah, your buddy should be glad I didn't tear him a new one for that 'strong female character' crap."

"Actually, that is the one thing about Whedon that I like." _Are you contradicting the goddess, you dumbass?_

"Listen, muggle boy, any writer that allows the women in his show to be called 'whores' and 'psychos' by other characters in the show, no less, is not invested in his female characters."

"Maybe I'm unfamiliar with all of Whedon's work, but Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an excellent leading female character. She was flawed, but she was powerful and redeemable."

"Oh, you mean the cute little cheerleader-from-hell vampire show?" Bella snapped at him.

"It was a little campy, but all of Whedon's shows are. Her character truly evolved, and she was definitely a kick-ass vampire slayer. I don't think she ever reigned from hell though."

The goddess smirked. "Just think, if Whedon had made his vampires sparkle, he'd be an international sensation right about now."

Edward laughed. "I don't know, I think Whedon's got a pretty dedicated fan base as it is. We don't want to give him any more power than he's already got."

Bella's mouth pulled to one side in a near-smile, then she turned her critical eye to Edward, and he felt his heart stop for a second. "What bet did you lose to your buddy to cause you to be here? You're dressed way too nicely to be one of us - you don't even wear glasses!"

"They have these magical things called contacts. And what, do you want me to pull out my D&D Dungeon Masters Guides to prove my loyalty to the cause?"

"I'd prefer your Monster Manual." She let out a strained chuckle, and her eyes roamed the area where Alice was last seen.

Seeing her pained expression, Edward knew he needed to interject. He placed his hand on her knee to garner her attention. At the contact Bella looked at Edward.

"She'll forgive you, you know. She already said she would."

"I shouldn't have said it in the first place. What kind of person says that to her best friend?"

"You two were having a heated argument, and you said something that you regret. It happens. Alice is agitated, but she'll get over it. Jasper says idiotic stuff all the time, and I forgive him." He winked at Bella and watched her as she was trying to fight off a small smile - she wasn't ready to forgive herself, yet.

"Come on, you're holding her place in line so she can see Joss Whedon when you don't even like the man, and you'll be waiting here for hours." Edward motioned with his arms, denoting the expanse of the line. "I think that makes you a pretty good friend."

Bella moved closer to Edward. "You don't have to say that, you know."

"I know, but I wanted to." He remained seated in his position, staring at her wide eyes.

"Well, thanks." Bella leaned upward and inward and kissed Edward, right where his cheek met his lips.

_Wait, what? Did she just... Did I just... Was that just Step Eleven? Oh crap, do something, you moron!_

Before he could react, Edward heard two sounds simultaneously: a sharp intake of air, and a throat being cleared.

His head snapped to where Alice and Jasper stood - they were smiling in shocked disbelief and _holding hands_? Edward gasped at Jasper's total command of Step Ten.

From behind, he heard Bella speak. "I gotta run to the bathroom, guys. I've been sitting here for way too long." With that, she stood up and left.

Edward's brow furrowed as his brain processed the input he'd just received. "What... where... was that...?"

"No, man, that was NOT Step Eleven!" Jasper snorted in disgust. "Get your ass up and go chase the fox, man! Tally-ho!"

Something in his brain finally clicked, and he was able to function again. He scrambled to his feet, his shoes getting as much purchase from the carpet as they could, and he shot after her.

Darting through the hotel corridor he had one goal in mind: finding Bella. All those hours on the treadmill were finally paying off as he moved quickly to the T-section where the halls intersected. A glance down the long hall to the left produced no evidence of Bella. He made a 180, and looked to the right. _There!_

Once she was in his sight, he began to sprint toward her, slowing as he approached her. Edward thought,_ This is it, Cullen, do or die - never surrender!_

As he stood directly behind her, he grabbed her elbow and twirled her around so quickly her hair flew in front of her angelic face. He gently reached forward with his hand, pushing the strands back behind her shoulder and then moving his hands to her arms, pulling her into him. He acted on pure instinct. He dipped his face to her level and let his lips softly meet with hers. _So much for Steps Eight, Nine, and Ten!_

When he ran out of breath, he pulled away. "Heaven."

Bella giggled. "What took you so long?"

"I had to get my brain moving again." _Obviously, it still wasn't in gear! The woman was like Kryptonite!_

"While that was really nice, I still gotta pee! Wait for me?"

"As you wish."

Edward enjoyed the feel of having his fingers interlaced with Bella's. But as they approached Jasper and Alice, Bella's grip loosened and Edward began to release her hand. At first he didn't understand her action; however, one look at Alice answered his unasked question.

Before he could loosen his hold completely, Alice plowed into Bella, ripping her hand from Edward's. Bemused, Edward continued forward to Jasper's side.

"They seem to be making up."

"So it would seem, young Padawan. So, what happened when you chased the fox?"

"Geek Assimilation Step Twelve, man. I have completed the Guide to Acceptance."

"I don't even remember what Step Twelve was, you douchebag. What HAPPENED?"

"Come on, you debated Step Twelve for a week. We went with "Having the ability to say 'A gentleman never tells.'!"

"Wait, you're saying YOU have the ability to say, "a gentleman never tells?"

"Well, I can't really say, now can I?"

Jasper wiped a fake tear from his eyes and croaked in his terrible Yoda imitation, "No more training do you require. Already know you that which you need."

As Edward looked over at Bella, he decided he found exactly what he needed.

* * *

GEEK ASSIMILATION PROGRAM - A Twelve-Step Guide to Acceptance

Step One - getting rid of nerd-tastic glasses (any outwardly nerdy accessories)

Step Two - looking less like a skeleton and more like a man

Step Three - thinking about clothes as fashion, rather than solely function - dress like the locals

Step Four - learning current lingo - speak like the locals

Step Five - spending time in the presence of women - not your mom or sister

Step Six - actually talking to women in a non-classroom setting - interact with the locals

Step Seven - making a woman laugh - with you, not at you

Step Eight - asking woman for contact information

Step Nine - going on an actual date with a woman

Step Ten - holding hands with a woman

Step Eleven - kissing a woman

Step Twelve - having the ability to say "a gentleman never tells"


End file.
